It's not easy to hear what another person is really saying. To be an effective and caring parent, one needs to develop the ability to hear not just the words but the feelings those words try to convey.
The beginning of wisdom is silence. Then comes listening. It's not easy to hear what another person is really saying. Yet hearing is what children need most from their parents. To be an effective and caring parent, one needs to develop the ability to hear not just the words but the feelings those words try to convey. One needs to learn to listen with empathy. What is your child really saying?
Example: A child comes home from school shouting, "I'm never going back to school. Do you know what my teacher did? She punished me because she caught me passing notes. She even called me names."
Many parents react to such an outburst with anger. They feel that their child has misbehaved and that they must discipline him so that he will not do it again. But his reaction is not helpful. It only makes the child who was angry at the teacher also get angry at his parent. When we hear only what the child did, not how it made him feel, we are unable to understand or be of help.
From their parents, children have a right to expect understanding, because what they need is help not with their behavior but with their feelings. A child who feels right usually behaves right.
Rule for parents: When a child is upset, no matter what the reason is, even if he brought it on himself, the first thing he needs from his parents is a response that will take care of his disturbed feelings. HOW: By reflecting the feelings back to him: "You mean the teacher called you names in front of the whole class? That must have been very humiliating. No wonder you're so upset." Result: The child's anger will diminish and he'll be able to return to school.
Many parents may feel that this response doesn't teach the child anything, that he will misbehave again. But the teacher has already taken care of this behavior. The child does not need additional lessons in behavior. What he needs is his parents' understanding of his feelings.
Empathic Listening
Empathic listening is the ability to put yourself in another person's place and understand where that person is coming from without imposing one's own point of view. Only with an open mind can one listen empathically and hear even unpleasant truths. Problem: Listening with an open mind doesn't come naturally, especially when it concerns our children. Reason: We have a vested interest in them. They reflect on us. We're so busy trying to make them into the kind of adults we need them to become--beautiful, brilliant, athletic, popular, etc.--that we can't afford to listen empathically. Our first reaction is more likely to be, "How will this behavior affect Jane's future?", than, "My daughter Jane is very upset."
We're also afraid to hear the truth from our children. What we fear: Feeling like a bad parent. Disruption of the status quo. Getting angry. Having to say no. Having to enforce limits. Being disliked. Feeling helpless.
What to do about it
It isn't dangerous to hear what our children are saying as long as we remember that we don't have to do anything about it. Most parents feel that when a child talks about a problem, they have to do something. In reality, the only thing a parent needs to do is to help the child feel better so that he can think rationally and use good judgement.
It's very important that we let our children solve their own problems in order for them to develop self-confidence, autonomy and a feeling of competence. When children don't feel competent, they become anxious. This is why it is not a good idea to solve children's problems for them. The ony problem children can't help themselves with is their negative feelings. That's where they really need our help. Once these feelings are gone and the child feels good about himself, he'll be able to figure out what to do. When our child shares a problem with us, it's preferable to say, " I wonder what you can do about it", rather than, " I think you should do this-and-such."
The secretive teenager
When teenagers are not communicative, parents need to ask themselves, "what do I do when I talk to my child that makes it so difficult for him to talk to me?" We tend to blame our children, claiming there is something wrong with them. What's really happening: Every time a child has shared something really important, we have probably reacted negatively.
Today's parents say, "You can tell me everything." But do we really mean it? We usually get angry when children tell us things we don't want to hear. To mean it, we must really be prepared to listen empathically to information that may upset us.
A growing body of research has begun to dispel some growing-up myths concerning human emotions. These new findings can be helpful and reassuring to parents.