To be an effective and caring parent, one needs to avoid certain words and phrases that hurt a child's self-esteem and do not produce expected results.
Even though our intentions are good, it's easy for parents to use words or phrases with children that are insensitive at best—hurtful at worst--and that actually work against the results we want.
This is especially true when we're annoyed, frustrated, tired or stressed. We react automatically and don't even think about what we're saying. One of the quickest and best way to change this pattern is to watch out for red flag words. These are usually short, simple words that almost always escalate any conflict with a child--or a spouse or anyone with whom we have a close relationship.
By becoming aware of these words, we can substitute expressions that are more likely to result in cooperation and understanding.
Words to avoid:
Most red flag words occur at or near the beginning of a sentence. If--usually followed by you, or when used as a threat.
- If you do that again, you'll be sorry.
- If you don't get in that bathtub, there will be no story tonight.
- If you keep leaving your clothes all over the floor, I won't buy you any more this year.
Many children perceive a threat as a challenge and many repeat the offense just to see what the parent will do. These threats are often impossible to carry out. We make them when we're least rational--and often when we've lost control of the situation. And, if we don't follow through on the threat, the child stops taking us seriously—we lose the ability to be authoritative.
In addition, a threat that is irrational or out of proportion relative to the offense doesn't teach the child anything about the realistic consequences of his/her behavior.
Better: As soon as or when. These phrases are more positive and less punitive. They encourage you to stay rational--and make a statement that can be followed through.
- As soon as you've taken your bath, we'll have a story.
- When you've hung up your jacket, we can play a game.
Who started it?
Obviously, this question applies to an argument or a fight between two or more children. But think abut it: Have you ever heard any child answer I did? This question implies that we are looking for somebody to blame, rather than trying to resolve the problem effectively. The result is likely to be even more fighting or finger-pointing.
Better: Take a neutral, problem-solving approach.
- You two have a problem. There's only one book here, and you both want it at the same time. What can you do about that?
Instead of looking for a bad guy, you're helping the children work out a solution to the problem.
The word Why --especially when followed by don't you, can't you, ot won't you is often used in questions that are usually unanswerable.
- Why don't you pick up your things?
- Why can't you keep your hands to yourself
- Why won't you listen?
In fact, we're not even asking why because we want a rational answer. Instead, we are really just blaming or making a critical statement. Children are not likely to cooperate when they feel they are being accused.
Another coomon use of the word why is Why did you... as in Why did you hit your sister? Children don't usually know why they do things. They're basically impulsive - and don't think before they act. You're likely to get a useless response such as, I don't know, I felt like it, or Because she's a dork.
Better: Leave out the why and change the question to a clear, firm, non-accusatory statement.
- There will be no hitting.
- Those toys need to be picked up.
- I would appreciate your hanging up your jacket without my reminding you.
The words Never, ever and always
- You never think about anybody else.
- When will you ever learn?
- You're always such as slob.
These words can become self-fulfilling prophecies. They hurt a child's self-esteem and discourage him from trying to change. What they really say to the child is, You're a disappointment... you're hopeless.
Better: Be concrete --describe your expectations clearly and specifically
- Instead of You never do things I ask, try It's your job to take out the garbage, and that needs to be done this afternoon.
- Instead of You never pick up after yourself, try I expect the blocks to be put in the toy box.
The word You plus a negative adjective, noun or phrase
- You're impossible.
- You're selfish.
- You're spoiled.
- You're a clod.
- You're acting like a baby.
At worst, these are global statements about a child's character, which he can't change, as opposed to statements about his behavior, which he does have some control over. Even when they address his behavior, the statements are perceived as accusatory and negative. Accusations put people—children and adults alike—on the defensive, and a defensive person isn't likely to be reasonable.
You-statements can be destructive to a child's self-esteem. Like always and never, they can be self-fulfilling prophecies and are not likely to encourage your child to cooperate.
Better: Instead of telling your child what's wrong with him, talk about yourself, and keep it short. Try I'm mad, which is much more effective than You're bad. An I-statement encourages the child to take your feelings seriously—and respect them.
Beware: I think you're bad does not qualify as an I-statement—it's still a you-statement that happens to start with I. Another alternative is a brief, impersonal reminder about house rules, such as The rule is no TV until you've finished your homework.
To be an effective and caring parent, one needs to develop the ability to hear not just the words but the feelings those words try to convey. One needs to learn to listen with empathy, too.